I feel so empty here. The year is going to end again. What a tumultuous one it was. Started when I met him.Somehow I wish we never had met like that. It made me uncomfortable to think about it. and then the big decision to embark on the quest of meaning in life. I never wanted anything more than a big family, many children to care for. Nothing holds greater meaning to me than to impart all my knowledge to my children. Children i say, because i still bear hopes of more than a son. but my man seems so far away. Why is it that I cry every night here. I don’t need wealth. I want health, love and family. He can’t seem to be able to care for anyone else but himself, of course his kids come before me as well. What makes me. She has given him 2 children, and what am I to him? Somehow, it seems that he wants me to replace her, to do what she can do,but I am me. Im not her.bah.im not going to sink into the abyss tonight again.
I ask myself if I would be ok if I am without him. It seems yes. empty. but that night when he ridiculed marriage and more children was almost equivalent when the former had broken me. I found my old diary. The night when he hit me and i broke into smithereens. The night when he pushed me away. When he said i was a bad mother. When he called me a monster. and how he suggested to me before why don’t we all kill ourselves. I truly hate him. It’s only because I forgive easily that i can move on. but forgetting is tough.God help me.
You know how much courage it takes to step out of a comfortable life.empty shelf. Once again. an empty shelf. I lost my drive somehow. What ever happened to me. Why has it always been so unfair towards me?
I don’t think he loves me. Words r easy to say. I don’t feel it. I can’t see it either.
Think you can spot an introvert in a crowd? Think again.
#18 since my early teens
All of this. Except #18 started when I was a baby. My mom loves to talk about how people would meet me and comment on how looking in to my eyes was like looking in to the soul of a 90 year old. I don’t know how that works, but apparently I was a scary baby.
Xx It was such a warm feeling to feel your breaths behind my back last night, no one has ever held me like that to sleep at night and i am still trying to get used to the beauty of it. That is why I am scared, because you say nothing. Its not that words I would like to hear but I just wish the day that you let go of your anger and your love for her gets nearer and then it becomes just the 2 of us. I just want you for myself, i am shamelessly selfish, and i feel horrible. I love your kids of course, they are after all children and innocent parties, but i worry how you view mine. And I dare not introduce him to you still. I wish i am braver than this. All i am asking for is to be really happy with you and to let you be really happy with me, through all times, i want to be that girl that you turn to at your lowest point and that girl you want to tell the news to when you are the happiest.So only through writing can i breathe , what cathartism. I wish i can go en vacancies with you soon and be just us. Should have done so..I love you so much and you said you know it. Now I feel naked and vulnerable because after being hurt previously, i am just wondering how you deal with hard times with me if ever there are. I want us to be strong and happy, point.
Im glad i saw you today. I feel terribly upset because i had already packed my bags, my bikini, my lingerie for the stay. I was looking forward to ramen and getting my work done. and i was looking forward to hanging out with you. prettily.
now. i look hideous. it’s superficial and it will heal, but, still, being stuck at home i feel not that great. I know you feel sorry for me , i just somehow am scared you will think otherwise of me. i know you aren’t that shallow, but looks are still important, of course i want to look pretty for you, let alone your favs are tall blondes..and today with the dressing off,:(
I just hope to recover soon,who doesn’t want to look normal, who doesn’t want a pretty girl by his side, I’m being practical. how could you even form erotic thoughts looking at a scarred face:) it’s true isn’t it. and i don’t want that.ugh groan.
There’s many other things i can do at home with you still, like cook, or watch dvds, but knowing you, even when i was well, you weren’t that interested in me cooking for you. and i know it’s not in you to know how to make me feel better. actually it’s simple things like sending me a get well card, or flowers, or texts. but how could i possibly open my mouth to ask you to send me things. i don’t blame you. you really are clueless, i wish i could teach you. but will be happy with xoxo for now. i’ve already tried my best to tell you i need that from you but i guess if you really don’t feel it in your heart, no one can blame you :) no one asked you to buy kate flowers in the past, it came from the heart. no one asked me to get any prawn rolls or floss or tarts for you, i just thought, what will make you happy, and just had to do it. shrug. xoxo will be just fine.
anyway, I’m writing an entry each day not seeing you. to tell you how I’m gonna miss you.