A room of one's own

Not being the first in his life

I’ve been thinking about my state in life recently. the issues that surfaced in my relationship. how i wish i am given the second chance to start everything afresh. how i wish i have a second chance to meet him normally and for him to woo me, so that it doesn’t screw my head up. i blame myself for being too fragile. i should have let him go when he wasn’t that into me. then maybe life would be different.

because sometimes, living in someone else’s shadows is not easy. That someone even has the capability to piss him off even when she is not around. Her offsprings and his are always around and the arrangement that they have with them somehow works to his disadvantage.BECAUSE HE LETS HER. HE LETS HER DO IT. HE LETS HER HAVE HER WAY TO PISS HIM OFF. and then he gripes to me.
the gf.
what hold do i have on him anyway.

Today i felt that he had a condescending attitude towards me when it came to “disembark”, it doesn’t mean that when someone speaks differently, one should judge the person. don’t you take demeanor into account too?It’s not funny to be made fun of all the time, i bet he can’t pick up french or jap or any other languages as fast as me. and it bugs me if he compares me to his ex. I WOULD HATE THAT, he does it with , can you sew this and that. can you do pies, just because he ate one baked by her before. i cook other stuff, and he doesn’t even remember the first dish i did for him:(

i am me, and he should take me as what it is. Today i spent more time on him and his kiddos than on my own child, does he even appreciate it.

It is only until the day that she doesn’t evoke any emotions in him, that it truly reflects that he doesnt care anymore. Sometimes i feel so sad that i won’t be the first in anything in this life because he has experienced and made memories with much before.

anyway. shrug.

the only person that cares for me is actually a 7 year old who reminded me to bring my keys cause I was going out late and there would be no one opening the door for me as everyone is sleeping.it’s sweet how he can think of such things at this age.

— 1 day ago

it’s been a while since I wrote about D’s milestones. It’s always the early years that moms document, but recently, in fact, 2 days ago, D learned how to ride a bike thanks to hon. I can’t believe that he took a very short while to do it actually, but was quite sad inside to find out that he was scared and portrayed it in a very distasteful manner that made me and hon quite mad. but on hindsight, i can’t imagine how scared he was, the question is, how to build up his confidence, i blame me, not being able to drive, else i would have taken him everywhere. i mean i did when he was younger, to the beach, to tours, etc alone, but that was when i did not have to juggle school work with him. but now, day to day, i struggle for time with him.

looking forward to next year, when he has the afternoon free. maybe we could do more stuff, i really look forward to seeing him grow up strong and fit, which means more physical activity. I really don’t mind jogging and cycling, in fact, i am looking forward to cycling w hon, i haven’t had a proper day with him yet, and i feel starved.

I’m already rejecting some of the outings with friends, because i got kids commitment, and since hon’s maid is on leave as well. but still i find time scarce. wish i had more. i haven’t got back to my french, and seeing a friend returning to it today on ig, made me feel really really excited. i need to get it going again. geese. and then to my sunday cooking as well so that i can try more recipes. let alone my calligraphy pens sitting there not touched for a while. hmmm. and then my tailor has been calling to ask if i would want to resume business. i guess i can, once i get it running, it should be quite easy, it would only be buying of fabric,sketching of designs, sending to tailor, collecting made dresses, marketing, and sending to customers, sounds easy? hmmmm…. won’t be that bad if i already have a following. i want it to be minimalistic bright colored style :P me and bright colors.

hope hon will be in a better mood tomorrow. it was supposed to be me having pms, but he was uber grumpy too. maybe he really needs a long hug and cuddle and kisses and something else. those hormones always cheer us up. miss him.

— 4 days ago

well, i tried, i brought a camera today. thought i could take some nice pictures. well i did. of the kids, which turn out real nice, and of him. but none of myself. he didn’t offer to take any of me. i think i have a bf who is as vain as me, maybe vainer, i don’t know, but I’m sure if his picture doesn’t turn out nice, he wldnt like it.

anyway. he gives me a vibe of “i need to take a pic of her cus she wants it” rather he wants it,- when he takes a pic, and..i look horrid in the recent pic he snapped, none of his friends like my pic on instagram, and not as if he posts a random pic of me on fb as well, you know those bf gf thing, yes, i like them, why can’t i want my bf posting a nice pic of me on fb, why must i be afraid of it if i were to ask him, but I’m not going to. it’s so shameless, so yeah i yearn. and I’m tired already.and each time he doesn’t, i wonder if its because I’m uglier than his ex gf and kate. I’ve never felt so shitty before being with him. i want to put it behind me, I’m trying but his enthusiasm in me is only like sex. and though it’s good, i don’t quite like it cause i want a guy to be happy looking at me because he thinks I’m pretty and feels proud of me and not just going to bed with me. it is very different for a girl but i don’t think he will understand.

maybe i feel this way cus i know he still doesn’t trust me totally, from the way we dealt with the photos issue and how he blew his top at me.

i guess i will just focus on today and how he taught d. it meant a lot to me. and i know he must be so tired as well…focus on the good stuff.still love him.

— 5 days ago


I cried when I saw this video of the poem «All The Way», by Charles Bukowski.

— 1 week ago with 1236 notes