A room of one's own

I was trying to put my finger to why it is difficult to trust him.
That’s because I know it’s innate in him to love women.
The real him would be one who adds all the ig of the women of whom he stopped following because I was upset.
The real him would be one whose heart races when a tall slim girl walks past.
The real him would be one whose heart races when any girl whose nipples stick out, be it ugly or pretty walks past.

So . You tell me. why would I feel safe in the lion’s den.
Why would I feel safe at all.

Oh. Why am I so stupid to introduce Frances. and on the same day, realized that he was browsing at her profile.
Of course he would deny.
But he never likes any photo of any other girl on face book except girls with kids, mine or cars and stuff.
but hers?.
How stupid am I.

and I’m really tired. really.
i want to tear up my paper into bits and pieces.
no longer i want to plan for the big man small man in my life.

am i wrong to want to be loved, to be loved fiercely by someone.
to be able to make someone’s heart race , beat fast.
for him to only have eyes for me.
for him to think that I’m his best.

— 1 day ago

Tonight, I’m gonna write letters to each and everyone I love.Things in my heart that I dare not say.

Dear Honey,

Time flies. Much have settled. But sometimes it still pains me to see you so affected by your ex. Sometimes I wish I could do more for you. Sometimes I wish that you have a kid with me so that you are not so upset when the ex does crazy stuff using the kids on you because you can focus on new hope. I wish that I could have a happy family with you so that our lives are more balanced. Wish I could be a good wife to you and that you really smile with your heart so warm each time you look at me because you are truly happy.

Dear Papa,

Im upset with you. You left me. Not only that you made no efforts in visiting your grandson but you can go on holidays with your wife. Why is it that you can’t meet me without her. Why can’t i have a father daughter time with you. It has been so long, that now if i were to meet you alone, i think it is awkward. I just wish you good health. don’t know what else to say. it’s become too superficial.

Dear Mom

You were not there for me when I had a divorce. no emotional support. I had no one i could really confide in, all i did was to write. why papa had to do this. and you are just so cool as ever. not cold. but cool. nondescript. i would say. and why can’t you help me with dylan so that I could go out and work like other moms. you make me feel that it’s always a business transaction with you, it’s never enough for you. You’ve never praised me once ever. no word of affirmation from you ever.

Dear Dylan

Mama loves you to the moon and back. Im sorry I’m so strict with you all the time, I’m just trying to make sure your fundamentals and habits are right when you are still young. so that you can grow up to be a fine young man. It’s really tiring on me you know when you don’t behave though I know you have such a sweet heart. I hope you read more, it’s the only way you can learn by yourself and let the knowledge retain even longer. I really hope you grow up to be a lucky, motivated and healthy young man.

— 4 days ago